Archive for July, 2005

beam me up scotty!

by Devesh on July 20, 2005 in General with No comments

damn it, bones, you’re a doctor. you know that pain and guilt can’t be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. they’re the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. if we lose them, we lose ourselves. i don’t want my pain taken away. i need my pain.
– kirk, star trek v the final frontier.

for what it’s worth

by Devesh on July 20, 2005 in General, Music with No comments

i wish i could listen to this right now – been humming it all day – like it’s stuck in my head!

another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

so make the best of this test
and don’t ask why.

it’s not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

it’s something unpredictable
but in the end it’s right.
i hope you had the time of your life.

so take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.

hang it on a shelf
in good health and good time.

tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.

for what it’s worth,
it was worth all the while.

it’s something unpredictable
but in the end it’s right.
i hope you had the time of your life.

it’s something unpredictable
but in the end it’s right.
i hope you had the time of your life.

uninvited

by Devesh on July 19, 2005 in General with No comments

i’ve been so undecisive the whole day today :-\ feels like i have to be taking a decision, but dunno what – and feeling undecisive!

something at work reminded me of the date – 15th August – sameer’s birthday, which led me to think what I was doing on 15th August, 2004!

here’s what i had written on 15th august, 2004 in my other journal:

uninvited

Posted by devesh @ 8:56 pm I knew, just then. I knew I would never feel lonelier that this ever again. Iâ??ve cried before. Feeling cold, with no one around. Subtle tear drops, filling up my eyes. Within seconds the world around becomes hazy and blurred. The stillness in the air is grasping, more than the smell of rain, a few hours ago. Itâ??s my so-called best friendâ??s birthday today. And I have to SMS my sister to get his number, to call him and wish him. We spoke for not more than a few minutes. Touched the surface.

â??You donâ??t sound good. Tell me whatâ??s wrongâ??, he perturbs.
â??Allâ??s well. Quiet Sunday evening I guessâ??, I lie.

And that was it. My duly duty done! Wished him well for the day and the year to come.

Poured a drink, lit up a cigarette and dialled a number. Again, just barely touched the surface. Couldnâ??t express, and even more, couldnâ??t make my self believe that she would understand anything.

Hung up abruptly.

Stared at the floor for a while, when I realised it was getting hazy.

Donâ??t really know how Iâ??m feeling. Cannot express it in my mind itself. At least I can identify that loneliness is a major part of it.

â??Utopiaâ?? by Alanis Morissette, playing in the background. And I grin to myself. Is THIS my utopia? How amusing!

8.45pm. How many times we look at the time and find a perfect time? Perfect time as in, x.15, x.30, x.45. x etc.. Iâ??ve always been fascinated when the time says x.37 or x.13, with all the odd numbers in.

Is it easy to give away your life? All in a moment, all triumphs and disappointments, endured over this long journey, to just be put to rest in one single stretch of a moment? Does one really have to be insane to give away oneâ??s own life? What does it take to attempt such an atrocious act? Can this act be inspired or influenced? Or can it ONLY be inspired and influenced?

Filed under: General

i need to detach myself from my past!