i’ve been so undecisive the whole day today :-\ feels like i have to be taking a decision, but dunno what – and feeling undecisive!
something at work reminded me of the date – 15th August – sameer’s birthday, which led me to think what I was doing on 15th August, 2004!
here’s what i had written on 15th august, 2004 in my other journal:
uninvited
Posted by devesh @ 8:56 pm I knew, just then. I knew I would never feel lonelier that this ever again. Iâ??ve cried before. Feeling cold, with no one around. Subtle tear drops, filling up my eyes. Within seconds the world around becomes hazy and blurred. The stillness in the air is grasping, more than the smell of rain, a few hours ago. Itâ??s my so-called best friendâ??s birthday today. And I have to SMS my sister to get his number, to call him and wish him. We spoke for not more than a few minutes. Touched the surface.
â??You donâ??t sound good. Tell me whatâ??s wrongâ??, he perturbs.
â??Allâ??s well. Quiet Sunday evening I guessâ??, I lie.And that was it. My duly duty done! Wished him well for the day and the year to come.
Poured a drink, lit up a cigarette and dialled a number. Again, just barely touched the surface. Couldnâ??t express, and even more, couldnâ??t make my self believe that she would understand anything.
Hung up abruptly.
Stared at the floor for a while, when I realised it was getting hazy.
Donâ??t really know how Iâ??m feeling. Cannot express it in my mind itself. At least I can identify that loneliness is a major part of it.
â??Utopiaâ?? by Alanis Morissette, playing in the background. And I grin to myself. Is THIS my utopia? How amusing!
8.45pm. How many times we look at the time and find a perfect time? Perfect time as in, x.15, x.30, x.45. x etc.. Iâ??ve always been fascinated when the time says x.37 or x.13, with all the odd numbers in.
Is it easy to give away your life? All in a moment, all triumphs and disappointments, endured over this long journey, to just be put to rest in one single stretch of a moment? Does one really have to be insane to give away oneâ??s own life? What does it take to attempt such an atrocious act? Can this act be inspired or influenced? Or can it ONLY be inspired and influenced?
Filed under: General
i need to detach myself from my past!
