sans judgement

utopia

i looked back on the scruffled bedsheet, as i got up… stains in red. amusing, i thought to myself. the colour seemed to mesmerise oneself… and then i snapped back to reality – and noticed the blood from my wrists were staining the carpet. an irony in itself if you think – why would one care so much about a stained carpet of a rented apartment while their wrists were slit?

the cold water from the sink numbed my senses when i felt it. again, the colour captivated my senses for a few moments. i lost myself, once again, only this time, i felt more alive, physically. i put on my shirt, my jumper, slid into my floaters and walked out – only to realise i’ve walked out after i had shut the door. time lag, i thought to myself, interesting…

strolled mindlessly on the dark pavement, a walk without a destination. i didn’t know what i wanted at that moment. did i want to kill myself? did i want to live further? did i know where i wanted to get at?

come to think of it, i wasn’t even thinking anything – such emptiness encompassed when i suddenly noticed the loud silence around me.

the attention brought thoughts along.

i’m too far from home, it takes far too much energy. and i cannot afford to, no one will ever see me.
these excuses how they served me so well, they’ve kept me safe, kept me stuck, they’ve kept me locked in my own cell
- and i’m so content, this is what i want – i don’t want a “better” life, i don’t want to be “happy” cause it’s always so short lived. the kaleidescopic perspectives of uncertainity, trauma, unhappiness, anger, vileness are so common and easier to relate, at least they are more associable!

and i find myself making my way back home with an acceptable sense of content – with these lines running in my head and a smirk across my face:
Name this for me, heat the cold air
Take the chill off of my life
And if I could I’d turn my eyes
To look inside to see what’s comin’

It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each momnent here I die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

this is when i woke up! took me about a couple of seconds to ascertain there – realised, that was then, this is now and it was just a bad nightmare – another few seconds, made me realise it wasn’t. it was just a past life i have been trying to put behind, but as they say, you can run from it, but you cannot hide!

i lay my head back on my pillow and say to myself, “brace yourself, tomorrow is another day where you get to live it all over again!”

utopia – alanis: listen to this song here
(you need real player for this)

we’d gather around all in a room fasten our belts engage in dialogue
we’d all slow down rest without guilt not lie without fear disagree sans judgement

we would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and
enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and
open and reach out and speak up

This is utopia this is my utopia
This is my ideal my end in sight
Utopia this is my utopia
This is my nirvana
My ultimate

we’d open our arms we’d all jump in we’d all coast down into safety nets

we would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion not
invest in outcomes we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference
be gentle and make room for every emotion

we’d provide forums we’d all speak out we’d all be heard we’d all feel seen

we’d rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful we would heal be humbled
and be unstoppable we’d hold close and let go and know when to do which we’d
release and disarm and stand up and feel safe

this is utopia this is my utopia
this is my ideal my end in sight
utopia this is my utopia
this is my nirvana
my ultimate

6 Comments on "sans judgement"

  1. Monty says:

    This is reminding me of old days… Entry @ 3:10am?

    All Changa bro?

  2. Surabhi says:

    hope you’re doing okay! =)

  3. Manpreet says:

    Hi Devesh,

    Sorry to be talking way off this topic. Monty told me that you recently shifted from netbunch to some other host.

    Can you please tell about your new host? Howz it?

    Manpreet

  4. Iris says:

    Hey,
    Just wanted to say hey and take care i guess!!

    Iris

  5. Melina says:

    Haunting…daunting…

    beautiful…

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