Five past six in the morning. The piercing siren of the alarm jolts him into wakefulness. He debates in that split open second whether he had heard that alarm before. Sleep beckoning, he abandons the question and involuntarily reaches out to put it off. He opens his eyes and makes do with the darkness. He never was a strong believer in surprises. He treated his eyes the same way – let the light come in slowly, not just yet. Let’s not incinerate pain, he profusely believed.
The blissful waking moment begins to fade as the oversights start gushing in. Last night, last evening, last afternoon and then very gently, like a blood stain making its way on a clean sheet, the pinhole innocuously expands, bringing in realities of his existence from his waking life.
“That moment, the moment just when you wake up, when you’re amidst seeping out of your subconscious… that moment… why can’t it last longer? Where, nothing matters. Where it’s bliss in its truest, naked form. When it’s…”, he arduously wonders to himself for a while before succumbing to reality.
Another moment of time, torn and tethered between an unconscious hiatus.
He breathes, alertly, begging himself to master the art of focus. The one where you can gently pull your thoughts together. The more he tries, the harder it gets to achieve a moment of serenity. Like every other day, he dismisses the effort and decides to get on with the day.
In every moment of his morning chores, hoard of his aberrations pile up, astonishingly in a chronological order of occurrences.
Imagine a mind numbing, unquenchable, throbbing headache?
His head felt fraught, laden with the unwitting accumulation of presumably every single wrong that had ever occurred, sometimes leading him to spend hours in his very early, delusionary past.
“Breathe”. He reminded himself.
He looks at his wrist watch, 7.47am. Better not miss the bus today. Which leads him to recollect how he almost missed an important acquisition meeting 2 weeks ago. They missed the deal and he couldn’t stop erratically grazing between standing up for himself and blaming himself. And of course, that leads him to relive the snarks, the comments and the pressure of relentless persecution at work. Like a wound that keeps on bleeding, reminding him not to think!
Smack right in the middle of his mind, very graciously reiterating the vexed experience that occurred a few weeks ago, he reluctantly lets out a scream!
“Please!”
“Please stop!”
“I beg of you, stop!”
“I cannot take this anymore!”
“I cannot bear this pain anymore!”
“I cannot fight this endless fight!”
“I cannot live like this!”
“I cannot live”
“I cannot…”
…
And the alarm shrieks out, jolting him into wakefulness!
He looks at the clock. ‘Five past six’. Within seconds the stark reality hits him. He realises, this morning, there isn’t going to be any blissful waking moment to ease him out of his serene subconsciousness!
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Been here before
Been here before
Been here before
Been here beforeBeen here before
Been here beforeBeen here before couldn’t say I liked it
Do I start writing all this down?
Just let me plug you into my world
Can’t you help me be uncrazy?Name this for me, heat the cold air
Take the chill off of my life
And if I could I’d turn my eyes
To look inside to see what’s comin’It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little moreThen the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me awayI’m frantic in your soothing arms
I can not sleep in this down filled world
I’ve found safety in this loneliness
But I cannot stand it anymoreCross my heart and hope not to die
Swallow evil, ride the sky
Lose myself in a crowded room
You fool, you fool, it will be here soonIt comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little moreThen the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And I wait for this train
Toes over the line
And then the unnamed feeling
Takes me awayGet the fuck out of here
I just wanna get the fuck away from me
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
It hate it all, why? Why? Why me?I cannot sleep with a head like this
I wanna cry, I wanna scream
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I wanna hate it all away
