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Vindiction

voices

Voices! Tearing, insinuating, agonising, resentful voices!

You try to indulge in something else, in hope of taking them down.

But like sly little creatures, these voices know just when you’ve let your mind at rest for a moment.

And they attack, like a hoard of locusts, infiltrating every sinew in you.

Over time, It’s apparent that the more you push them away, the more that multiply. Like infectious bacteria they dominate and consume your thoughts, your mind, body and maybe eventually, your soul!

I haven’t yet found the cure.

And thus, the change persisted.

october-admit-one

Choke!

It didn’t take long after he came to terms with the shatter. It reminded him of a faint memory. A memory that ashamed him everytime the neurons in his brains chose to remind him.

It tore, just like he remembered. He associated. But couldn’t fathom. Obviously, the reasons were far apart. Maybe he chose not to measure.

Questions died before they arose. He skipped them just like a professional athelete subconsciously does when jumping through hurdles. Only obvious fact staring in his face was a response that would prove a point, from his summation.

So he reacted. Reprehensive, but ardent from his perspective. “Do you get the point”, he profusely pointed out under his breath.

A few hours later, he attempted his meditative analysis. Drew conclusions.

A few days later, tried validating his conclusions.

Failed.

Months later, he found himself exhausted & invalidated.

In time when he looks back now, he affirms that the reaction is hardly recalled. It’s the choke that still chokes!

His search for validation has been out of the window, years ago.

And thus, in invalidation & deception, were scarred the rest of the years, that began one solitary October evening.

Deja Vu?

He could feel the heavy spasms of breaths he was taking. It was a while now, but he just only realised that he was.

Breath, something we take as a given. Something we never really, truly pay attention to! Everything talks about focussing on one’s breathing when one has to learn to relax, focus, funnel, meditate, visualise, hope, take stock… take perspective.

Like a one stop shop to buy time in finding answers.

But the more he fuelled his attention to his breath, the more vexatious he felt. “How is this gonna help”, he wondered ambiguously to himself. “Maybe if I count backwards on every breath?” – 100, 99, 98, 97… “Why do we start counting from 100 when we think backwards? Or 10?”

Without allowing the question more light, he vexed in continuing… “89, 88, 87, 86… or maybe I should count forward – I’ve been counting backwards since I was a kid, it’s easy… maybe I need something difficult to focus my attention to…. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Erm… what’s the point of this? Am I trying not to think? Am I avoiding thoughts to fill my mind? Maybe I’m trying to feel fit?”

“Maybe it’s….”

And abruptly as it was, he could suddenly feel the heavy spasms of breaths he was taking.

It was a while now, but he just only realised that he was.