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was reading my old writings – found it so surprising reading the things i used to dwell upon then, when i had not even experienced an inch of life’s strings as i know it today!

i’ll post it here – seems amazing how i can relate to it well today too!

Always and most of the time, execution of periodical emotional activities in yourself, play like a child figuring out what fire is for the first time. Gradual changes occur, and we come to believe we’ve learnt something. As in accordance of the golden laws, which are implanted in us through various forms, we develop and grow our faith in the newly understood facts. But again, when the moment arrives, we are back from where we started. All extensive learning, and all exhaustive understanding, which we put in to comprehend the subject … all rest in vain. And we experience the emotion as if for the first time… again!
Troubles forsaken in the name of life, petitions signed under the presumptuous grace of our subconscious, after all… we resurrect to the darkness, our forever friend. Talk, talk without speaking, and hear! Hear without listening, that’s the path we all follow.
It’s all in the definition. Then as one said, ‘What’s believe?’ Teach, teach as you would teach your child, with perseverance and patience. Look as you would be looking for your most valued possession. Try as if otherwise it’d be the end of the world. And last but not the least, Coax! Coax as you would to your heart when you want to see your most loved one.

Derivations occur over a span of endless time. So waiting would just result in reincarnation. Rather imply or surrender. Not the appropriate, but at your own whim.
After all… we ARE the masters of our thoughts, …aren’t we ?

spent about an hr and more on the bed. with lights shut.

you know how when you spend more time in the dark your vision becomes clearer? so yeah, spent that hour staring at the ceiling.

then i tried to say to myself, “dev, you gotta wake up in the next 2 hrs! you slept for just 2.5 hrs last night too… turn, and focus on sleep!”

and i turned. in a few seconds, i started getting uncomfortable with the sound of my own breathing. so i turned again. and hey! the ceiling again :???:

few more minutes and here the voice again, “dev, you gotta wake up in the next……”

ungh…. turn the other way.

this time, the sound of the second’s hand of my alarm clock got a bit too prominient!

so i get up, and sit on the bed! hold my head in my hands and try to keep my mind blank!

now it’s the sound of my breathing competing with the sound of the second’s hand of my alarm clock, ticking away, saying it’s getting closer to the time to go get a shower, iron, make some cofffee, have a cigarette, put on clothes and walk out of that door to catch the train to work!

i’ve noticed, with me, there’s a threshold line. if i cross that, i have to make sure i don’t sleep after that. because, if i do, i’ll wake up 2 days later :shock:

and knowing, that i’ve just only crossed it, i decide to get online and write about it.

how lame!

i hate this, i’ve got an hr to kill and make sure i don’t sleep! because i can’t sleep now! i’ve cross the line! no matter how sleepy i get now, i shouldn’t sleep now!

it’s easy to say that in the next 10 years, i may not even remember these moments in my life. it’s docile to say that i would have conveniently forgone past this phase.

but right now, i’m in this moment. and i’ve gotta get through, else there wouldn’t be any “next 10 years”.

and i question my god right now! because as much as i’ve know him, even he doesn’t have the courage to pass the strength on to me to hold on…. and it’s funny i still am.

i’m still typing!

i could have been dead by now :???:

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aaah fuck! no more coffee left at home!

damn it’s gonna be tough to get through this hour!