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Rage, Glaze, Hurt, Hate – An Anatomy

bleeding_fence

Five past six in the morning. The piercing siren of the alarm jolts him into wakefulness. He debates in that split open second whether he had heard that alarm before. Sleep beckoning, he abandons the question and involuntarily reaches out to put it off. He opens his eyes and makes do with the darkness. He never was a strong believer in surprises. He treated his eyes the same way – let the light come in slowly, not just yet. Let’s not incinerate pain, he profusely believed.

The blissful waking moment begins to fade as the oversights start gushing in. Last night, last evening, last afternoon and then very gently, like a blood stain making its way on a clean sheet, the pinhole innocuously expands, bringing in realities of his existence from his waking life.

“That moment, the moment just when you wake up, when you’re amidst seeping out of your subconscious… that moment… why can’t it last longer? Where, nothing matters. Where it’s bliss in its truest, naked form. When it’s…”, he arduously wonders to himself for a while before succumbing to reality.

Another moment of time, torn and tethered between an unconscious hiatus.

He breathes, alertly, begging himself to master the art of focus. The one where you can gently pull your thoughts together. The more he tries, the harder it gets to achieve a moment of serenity. Like every other day, he dismisses the effort and decides to get on with the day.

In every moment of his morning chores, hoard of his aberrations pile up, astonishingly in a chronological order of occurrences.

Imagine a mind numbing, unquenchable, throbbing headache?

His head felt fraught, laden with the unwitting accumulation of presumably every single wrong that had ever occurred, sometimes leading him to spend hours in his very early, delusionary past.

“Breathe”. He reminded himself.

He looks at his wrist watch, 7.47am. Better not miss the bus today. Which leads him to recollect how he almost missed an important acquisition meeting 2 weeks ago. They missed the deal and he couldn’t stop erratically grazing between standing up for himself and blaming himself. And of course, that leads him to relive the snarks, the comments and the pressure of relentless persecution at work. Like a wound that keeps on bleeding, reminding him not to think!

Smack right in the middle of his mind, very graciously reiterating the vexed experience that occurred a few weeks ago, he reluctantly lets out a scream!

“Please!”
“Please stop!”
“I beg of you, stop!”
“I cannot take this anymore!”
“I cannot bear this pain anymore!”
“I cannot fight this endless fight!”
“I cannot live like this!”
“I cannot live”
“I cannot…”

And the alarm shrieks out, jolting him into wakefulness!
He looks at the clock. ‘Five past six’. Within seconds the stark reality hits him. He realises, this morning, there isn’t going to be any blissful waking moment to ease him out of his serene subconsciousness!

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Been here before
Been here before
Been here before
Been here before

Been here before
Been here before

Been here before couldn’t say I liked it
Do I start writing all this down?
Just let me plug you into my world
Can’t you help me be uncrazy?

Name this for me, heat the cold air
Take the chill off of my life
And if I could I’d turn my eyes
To look inside to see what’s comin’

It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

I’m frantic in your soothing arms
I can not sleep in this down filled world
I’ve found safety in this loneliness
But I cannot stand it anymore

Cross my heart and hope not to die
Swallow evil, ride the sky
Lose myself in a crowded room
You fool, you fool, it will be here soon

It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And I wait for this train
Toes over the line
And then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

Get the fuck out of here
I just wanna get the fuck away from me
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
It hate it all, why? Why? Why me?

I cannot sleep with a head like this
I wanna cry, I wanna scream
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I wanna hate it all away

New Horizons :)

So far I’ve done alright, God. I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very happy about this. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed.

And from then on, I’m going to need a lot more help.

Phew! What a run! Been a long lost time since I’ve updated my blog.

Simple to say that life’s been simply beautiful and I cannot be more grateful :)

Well, as most of you know that I made this “drastic” move to a new city at the first opportunity that fell in my lap. Now I wasn’t really looking, but it just so happened. I guess it was life’s way of asking, “would you like to move on my friend?”

The arsenic rust that I had grown into, I was quite taken aback myself on my decision to move.

What most people don’t know is that I let go of my whole 8 years of life I lived in Sydney – I gave away most everything I ever possessed and had collected over the years.

Surprisingly, what I didn’t realise is how much of my memories, the animosity, the distrust, the anger, the frustration and all that comes along with it, I parted with :)

It wasn’t until quite a few weeks here that it hit me with what I’ve done.

I immersed myself in work. Along with came the “joy” of finding an apartment for myself. I did so in a month and for the first time in my life, made this apartment, a home for myself :)

I’ve never before felt the need to “choose” and be “peculiar” about what I wanna get for the place and stuff – but over the month I spent so much time (oh and of course, don’t forget the moolah) in just setting the place up.

Friends were there to help, but I was quite surprised at my own inclination to do so.

Soon enough my lil sis will be joining me here to spend a few months with me – something I’m truly looking forward to!

But before that, there’s something else much “alluring” that I’m looking forward to… :)

I must add that this change in location, as mere it may sound for a third person, has changed so much within me – my perceptions, my perspectives and from the looks of it, my luck :)

I’ve been letting go more and more of my old ties, making new friends, improving my knowledge, learning new things, cheering for new things in life and pleasantly, looking forward to life each day! Although work keeps me pretty occupied right now… I yearn for this change!




I couldn’t help but pause – one of my recent favourites just started playing on my random playlist – “Far Away” by Nickleback :)

Someone I recently got to know, pointed this song out to me, saying she was thinking about me while listening to it – have drawn a close affinity towards the song since :)

Anyways, I guess I lost my train of thought. I’m gonna cook some pasta, pour some good merlot, sit back, relax and maybe listen to some Bach… recently heard “Pachelbel’s Cannon in D” and I was instantly hooked!

Until next time… cheers to new, lasting beginnings ;)

Ch ch ch Changes…

No one likes changes – changes which fall upon you, may it be by fate or a decision you’ve made.

Good changes are welcomed – but there’s always an unnerving feeling of the transition between your current state and adapting the change.

The reason for this post is two fold:

Firstly – an update to all who drop by here.

I’ve embraced a big change in my life :) I’m moving cities and intending to actually settle down in Melbourne. 

Honestly, Melbourne has been on my mind for a few months now but nothing tipped the scales for me like a few weeks ago.

In short – I applied for a dream job – something that I’ve always wanted to do and couldn’t quite find the fit anywhere before. I applied online and shortly after the application I got an email from them saying that they’re interested to have a chat. 

The phone interview went great and a week later I was in Melbourne for a face to face interview. 

Cutting it short – they made a good offer, coupled with my subliminal intention of “starting fresh”, I accepted the role and confirmed that I’ll move within a fortnight.

I made a snap decision right then that I’m going to get rid of most of the stuff that I’ve owned over the years here (more specifically the things I purchased over the last 3 years).

I don’t know if what they say is true – out of sight is out of mind – but I’m not risking carrying anything with the memories of the past with me over.

As the days draw closer to the big move, my knees go weaker. I know the emotional attachment with the city I’ve lived in for the last 8 years is going to be a tough nerve to severe.

My flatmate, Karan, said something very profound to me the day I came back from Melbourne (at that time I hadn’t yet made my decision of moving – only contemplating it). He said and I quote:

“There is no growth in the comfort zone, and no comfort in the growth zone”

That statement kinda hit home for me. Yes I’ve become too comfortable in the small life that I had. I had mulled too long in the aftermath of the destitution that I had brought upon myself. And worse yet, I had grown too comfortable living with all that filth in my head. 

Most naturally there was no room left whatsoever to grow and seek a better life.

That night as I put my head on my pillow, Karan’s words echoed back in my head – and I knew that I’m going to take this risk. I’m going to give this a shot. I’m going to MOVE :)

So with the support from my family and all my friends who I’ve known – I endeavor to take what they say – another baby step – reminds me of what Ruch had told me long ago – “it’s all about taking baby steps my dear, and before you know it, you’ve walked a mile!” :)

—–

So, as I said earlier, this post is two fold… 

A few years ago I had subscribed to Brian Kim’s Motivational & Inspirational Messages (MIT) via email. So every evening when I get home, I’ve got one waiting for me. 

Today’s message pretty much felt as if it was directed towards me :) So here it is for anyone who may benefit from it:

 

Every day is a new opportunity to start with a clean slate.

 

To put the past behind you and to look forward to a promising future.    

 

And to mark this special occasion, try making some radical changes to ”shock” you out of your routine to tell yourself that you really mean business.

 

That THIS is the day things start to change.  

 

  • Wake up at an earlier time and lift weights and jog around the block.
  • Throw out EVERYTHING you don’t need in your house.
  • Tie up all the loose ends you’ve been putting off.

 

Whatever you do, make sure it’s a positive, radical, substantial change to get you off on the right foot and running toward the direction you want.    

 

The hardest part in getting a rocket into space is escaping earth’s gravity.

 

Once it does that, the rest is easy.