(if you can’t see the “PLAY” button below you are probably reading this via a feed (Facebook etc.) – Please visit the original blog post on my site to listen it: http://devesh.net/blog/2009/10/22/shaayad-ye-waqt-humse-koi-chaal-chal-gaya

us’s mod se shuru kareN phir Ye zindagi
har shay jahaN haseen thee, hum tum the ajnabi

lekar chale the hum jiNhe jannat ke khwaab the
phooloN ke khwaab the wo mohabbat ke khwaab the
lekin kahan hai unmeiN wo pehle see dilkashi

rehte the hum haseeN khaYaaloN ki bheeD meiN
ulJhe huye haiN aaj sawaaloN ki bheeD meiN
aane lagi hai yaad wo fursat ki har ghaDi

shaayad ye waqt humse koi chaal chal gaya
rishta wafa ka aur hi rangoN meiN dhal gaya
ashkoN ki chandini se thee behtar wo dhooP hi

I think I should rename my blog from “Subtle Aspirations” to “Innocuous Hiatus” considering I haven’t posted, like forever!

Anyways, when I used to go to Church back home in Sydney, they had recently started to perform this worship song every week and immediately at the first instance, it became my favourite!

A few days ago, Michelle send this to me on Facebook and I relived my memories of Church in Sydney. The video that Michelle sent me had the chords of the song along, so I thought I’d try my hand at it…

It’s rusty as always (I hardly play any more)

Anyways, here it is :)

(if you can’t see the “PLAY” button below you are probably reading this via a feed (Facebook etc.) – Please visit the original blog post on my site to listen it: http://devesh.net/blog/2009/10/20/you-are-stronger/

There is Love
That came for us
Humbled to a sinner’s cross
You broke my shame and sinfulness
You rose again victorious

Faithfulness none can deny
Through the storm
And through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me

CHORUS:
You are stronger
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written
Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all

No beginning and no end
You’re my hope and my defence
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross

So let Your Name be lifted higher
Be lifted higher
Be lifted higher

Oh boy!

This is what happens when you get a sudden, unquenchable urge to play something and record it after years!

I love this song. It’s one of the most honest expression in lyrics that I’ve heard. Recently I heard an acoustic version of it by Pearl Jam. Which is what inspired me to learn to play it on the gad.

Here’s my rusted, rendition. Yes I know this doesn’t even sound close to half of what it would’ve sounded if I would’ve recorded it about a decade ago, but hey… I still tried ;-)

No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man
To be the sad man, behind blue eyes
No one knows what it’s like to be hated
To be fated, to telling only lies

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like to feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you
No one bites back as hard on their anger
None of my pain and woe, can show through

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like, To be mistreated,
To be defeated Behind blue eyes
And no one knows how to say, That they’re sorry
An’ don’t worry I’m not telling lies

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man
To be the sad man, behind blue eyes

Have you ever watched a glass fall down and shatter to pieces, closely?

Replay that instance in slow motion in the eye of your mind. Notice how the refractions in the glass encompasses the reflections of everything around it? Even after it hits the floor and disperses into pieces, those pieces reflect everything around it.

Partners of an ending relationship argue that they’ve done the same.

Often so we hear “I gave it everything I could”.

An unfettering relationship always has both parties reaching a breaking point; a point where they stretched it together until the last straw fell, shattering everything they’ve built into oblivion. Hence the simile of the falling glass.

As much as one would like to think “I gave it everything, until I didn’t have anything left to give anymore”, one must yearn to seek acceptance of the fact that the opposite person would have too.

It’s not about who put how much effort in – you really can never measure that to a tee.

Sometimes all it is, is a difference in perspective. And you only realise that over time.

Everyone did as much as they could to make it survive.

You can spend the rest of your life trying to argue who had an upper hand at how much effort they put in. Or you can choose to affirm to yourself, “We both did the best we could, just in different planes. I forgive myself, forgive you and choose to let go”

Don’t scorn, don’t resent, don’t disrespect – everyone does that – it most naturally seems the easy way out.

Instead improvise – Accept, respect and choose to pardon – your future self will thank you for it.

Here’s a song that’s been playing on my iPhone a lot lately:

i got the call today, i didn’t wanna hear
but i knew that it would come
an old true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
she said you found someone
and i thought of all the bad luck,
and the struggles we went through
and how i lost me and you lost you
what are these voices outside love’s open door
make us throw off our contentment
and beg for something more?

i’m learning to live without you now
but i miss you sometimes
the more i know, the less i understand
all the things i thought i knew, i’m learning again
i’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
but i think it’s about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

these times are so uncertain
there’s a yearning undefined
…people filled with rage
we all need a little tenderness
how can love survive in such a graceless age
the trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
they’re the very things we kill, i guess
pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
and the work i put between us,
doesn’t keep me warm

i’m learning to live without you now
but i miss you, baby
the more i know, the less i understand
all the things i thought i figured out, i have to learn again
i’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter
but everything changes
and my friends seem to scatter
but i think it’s about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

there are people in your life who’ve come and gone
they let you down and hurt your pride
better put it all behind you; life goes on
you keep carrin’ that anger, it’ll eat you inside

i’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
but i think it’s about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

i’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter
because the flesh will get weak
and the ashes will scatter
so i’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

The brightness of the flame enveloped her gaze.

She watched closely as the flame grew, encompassing every inch of the paper. She watched the fresh remains of the ashes in creation, as it lurched to wrap the unburned yet, with an insatiable quench.

As the flame made it’s transition to fire, she felt the ground slipping beneath her feet.  

She had changed her mind. She wanted to look at it once again, one last time, savour it. But the fire didn’t comply with her desires anymore – it had crossed the line of no return.

The tears kept flowing, in vain.

She felt helpless as she watched the last photograph she had of him, burn down and proselytise to frail ashes.

She didn’t have a choice but to bid goodbye.

—-

So I picked up the guitar after 13 years to play a complete song. It most naturally doesn’t sound even half as good as it used to then though.

So as rusty as it sounds – here it is: cover of “So Beautiful” by Pete Murray.

Found myself just the other day
In the backyard of a friends place,
Thinkin’ about you,
Thinkin’ of the crowd you’re in,
What you up too where you been?
(Just thinkin’)

And all the clothes that you wear,
And the colors in your hair
Shouldn’t change you
Now you tell me why it’s so
You bigger than mighty Joe,
(At lest you think so)

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down,
Plant your feet back on the ground

Throw my smoke down on the ground,
Turn my head and I heard the sound,
(That reminded me)
Of the days so young and sweet
Always so much fun to meet
(At lest I thought so)

Now you think your so damn fine

You can rule the world no not mine,
I don’t think so

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care

Now the scene that you’re in,
And the people that you been with
Just get to me,
But you think I’m not as cool,
As you are so beautiful
Well who you fooling?

Well I’m here to tell you babe
The game your in is just a game
So damn pretentious

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down,
Plant your feet back on the ground

You think you’re so beautiful
(So beautiful)

Every once in a while you come across a song that as when you’re listening to it the first time, you kind know that you won’t be listening to it for a long time to come. And then by the time it ends, you find yourself putting it on repeat just to hear the words once again.

And thus, it grows on you.

I came across this really nice song which I’d like to share here. I’ve pasted the lyrics after the video below – pay attention to the words. They’re simple, yet profound and will leave you with a good “feeling” :)

I tried to fight the feeling, the feeling took me down
I struggle and I lost the day you knocked me out
Now everything’s got meaning, the meanings bring me down
I’m watching as a screening of my life plays out

Every day I fight these feelings
For your sake I will hide the real thing
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase

You should never fight your feelings
When your very bones believe them
You should never fight your feelings
You have to follow natures law

I’ll live with never knowing, if knowings gonna change
I’ll stop a feeling growing, I will stay away
Like a broken record, stuck before a song
A million beginnings, none of them the one

Every day I fight these feelings
For your sake I will hide the real thing
You can run all your life, all mine I will chase

You should never fight your feelings
When your very bones believe them
You should never fight your feelings
You have to follow natures law

I wrote her letters and tried to send them
In a bottle I place my hope
An S.O.S full of good intentions sinking
Will you give it to me, don’t make me wait
You built me up, knocked me down
But I will stand my ground
And guard this light that I’ve found

You should never fight your feelings
When your very bones believe them
If you let them show, you’ll keep them
I know your hurt but soon you’ll rise again, again, again

it was just another routine day for him. he was on the train, reading his book around the same familiar faces he sees everyday on the same ride.

the train pulls at his station. he gets off, and climbs up the stairs of the subway. swipes his ticket at the ticket barricades, and crosses the street.

the watch on his wrist reminds him of a meeting that he has to attend in an hour, and he frowns to himself, hardly having any sleep the night before. battling thoughts, he gets into the lift and reaches work.

the routine day begins and he catches up with the left-overs from yesterday. attends the meeting, comes out feeling as numb as ever knowing that nothing that was discussed in the meeting will materialise anyways.

decides to have an early lunch and he strolls down. as he walks out of the building, he changes his mind to have a short walk, to clear his head. the streets are buzzing with people, everyone with a different agenda in their minds at that moment – he wonders in amazement, fixing his gaze on random faces and drawing pictures in his head on their agendas.

an old woman, waiting for the bus, probably trying to get to her son’s house to meet her grandchildren whom she hasn’t seen for a few months now.

a child buying lollies at a convenience store, with the reward pennies he won from his grandfather for a chore done?

a young women, dressed in a business attire, trying to hide the pensive look on her face, probably rehearsing her upcoming job interview which will determine the direction of her determined ambition.

a young couple, meeting up for lunch, quite elated. both must’ve been working in different offices, around the corner – holding hands, probably on the verge of finalising their wedding venue?

he unconsciously reaches out for his phone and speed-dial’s #2, only to hear the same message he’s been hearing for a long time now, “the number you have dialed has been disconnected”.

the wind blows with a shrill chill, hitting his face like a thousand needles, snapping him back to stark reality in the present timeframe.

he smiles at his own ignorance, putting away his mobile in his suit pocket, lights up a smoke and heads back.

just another day to burn, just another week, like it’ll be another month and so, another year.

—–

Here’s the song that’s been on my mind for a few days. You can listen to my rendition of the song below – had recorded this back in 1995, playing the guitar and singing it in front of the computer mic… can’t believe it’s been 13 years since!

i should have seen it coming when roses died
should have seen the end of summer in your eyes
i should have listened when you said good night
you really meant good bye
baby, ain’t it funny, how you never ever learn to fall
you’re really on your knees, when you think you’re standing tall
but only fools are “know-it-alls” and i played that fool for you

i cried and i cried
there were nights that died for you baby
i tried and i tried to deny that your love drove me crazy, baby

if the love that i got for you is gone
if the river i cried ain’t that long
then i’m wrong, yeah i’m wrong, this ain’t a love song

baby, i thought you and me would stand the test of time
like we got away with the perfect crime but
we were just a legend in my mind
i guess that i was blind
remember those nights dancing at the masquerade
the clowns wore smiles that wouldn’t fade
you and i were the renegades, some things never change

it made me so mad ’cause i wanted it bad for us baby
now it’s so sad that whatever we had, ain’t worth saving
if the love that i got for you is gone
if the river i’ve cried ain’t that long
then i’m wrong, yes i’m wrong, this ain’t a love song

if the pain that i’m feeling so strong
is the reason that i’m holding on
then i’m wrong, yeah i’m wrong – this ain’t a love song

the splinter stings and tears.

every few steps taken ahead, with all the effort and hope, are all retraced back within a fraction of a few seconds.

he looks out of the window. the rain has repressed, the leaves on the trees shedding the remains of the storm that was last night. a few hours go by as he watches the leaf expunge all the beads of water on it, only to crave for it all over again after it has.

the clouds start to clear, and the sun glimpses out, to take a peek at what the rain has left for it.

he’s still by the window, reminiscing, conjuring, questioning, answering, calming and searching his heart.

the air brings the smell of wet wood and rusty chains. he looks up at the sky, and watches the sun playing hide-and-seek with the help of the clouds.

observing the flickers of shadows that are being casted – he shuts his eyes tight, to run away from the memories that lie naked on the bed he’s sitting on. haunting him, calling him, earnestly beseeching him.

voices in his head flash by. voices he had forgotten over time all come rushing by… “magic”, “take a chance”, “bending destiny” – and he lets out a scream to drown them.

the heavens comply and thunder strikes, he turns around to look out the window in amazement.

within minutes the clouds have completely concealed the rays of the hopeful sun.

within seconds, the rain comes crashing down on the leaves.

he turns to takes a comfortable stance at the window across the bed – he knows he’s not going to move from there for a long time to come.

in the coldest time of year,
darkness all around my heart.

i was alone but didn’t fear
to wander in the light of stars.

in the bright and silent night,
winds would knock and disappear.

still i felt the feeling near,
like the first time you were ever here.

you’re so far away,
so far away,
you left me,
you told me you would stay.
you never said goodbye
and i’ll keep asking why,
i keep on asking how,
oh come unto me now.

i have breathed the morning air,
i have heard the four winds blow.

i was weary but prepared to follow
down this lonely road.

in the room where lovers sleep,
winds would knock and disappear.

still i felt the music near,
like the first time we were ever here.

you’re so far away,
so far away,
you left me,
you told me you would stay.
you never said goodbye
and i keep wondering why,
i keep on wondering how,
oh come inside me now.

for a few days now i’ve been repeatedly listening to this song on my iPod

i remember when i had first seen the video of this song back in 1997 december on mtv and how calm it made me feel.

there’s a little magic in the song, you can shut your eyes and really feel at peace with everyone in the world – even if you’re heartbroken, or you are happily together :)

here, listen to it and find out for yourself:

show the world and all its people
all the wonders love can bring
give us strength and understanding
give us all one song to sing
let the music play
play it loud and make it clear
its time to stand up
to a new world that is now so near
from the bottom to the top
to the leaders of the land
we all have one heart
everyone of us must lend a hand
and let there be joy in the world
and let there be no sorrow
(let there be)
and let there be peace on earth
and let there be peace on earth
for all the world
weve got to see

that love, oh love
what a blessed thing (oh, yeah)
say it loud
make it clear today
all the walls are falling down
no more children off to war
if we search in our hearts
all the suffering will be no more
and let there be joy in the world
and let there be no sorrow
for all gods children
let them see
that love, oh love
what a blessed thing (oh, yeah)
say it loud
make it clear today
and freedom, no more lies
we can save this world if we try
one world i know we can make it
yes, its only in your heart
yes, its only in your dreams
you can climb the highest mountains
you can make the whole world sing
love, oh love
what a blessed thing (oh, yeah)
say it loud
make it clear today

It’s been days now, no matter how hard or consciously I try, I just cannot seem to get this song out of my head… it’s been paying and playing constantly in my head despite of how deeply I try and get myself involved in something…

Here goes for whatever that matters:
(you can listen to this song here: http://www.musicindiaonline.com/p/x/_V7mvlKtIt.As1NMvHdW/ )

Hum bewafa hargiz na the
Par hum wafa kar naa sake
Humko mili uski sazaa
Hum jo khata kar naa sake
Hum bewafa hargiz na the
Par hum wafa kar naa sake

Kitni akeli thi woh rahen hum jinpe
Ab tak akele chalte rahen
Tujhse bichhad ke bhi o bekhabar
Tere hi gham mein jalte rahen
Tune kiya jo shiwa
Hum woh gila kar naa sake
Hum bewafa hargiz na the
Par hum wafa kar naa sake

Tumne jo dekha suna sach tha magar
Itna tha sach yeh kisko pataa
Jaane tumhe maine koi dhokha diya
Jaane tumhe koi dhokha hua
Is pyaar mein sach jhooth kaa
Tum faisla kar naa sake
Hum bewafa hargiz na the
Par hum wafa kar naa sake