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But my dreams, they aren’t as empty

Oh boy!

This is what happens when you get a sudden, unquenchable urge to play something and record it after years!

I love this song. It’s one of the most honest expression in lyrics that I’ve heard. Recently I heard an acoustic version of it by Pearl Jam. Which is what inspired me to learn to play it on the gad.

Here’s my rusted, rendition. Yes I know this doesn’t even sound close to half of what it would’ve sounded if I would’ve recorded it about a decade ago, but hey… I still tried ;-)

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No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man
To be the sad man, behind blue eyes
No one knows what it’s like to be hated
To be fated, to telling only lies

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like to feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you
No one bites back as hard on their anger
None of my pain and woe, can show through

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like, To be mistreated,
To be defeated Behind blue eyes
And no one knows how to say, That they’re sorry
An’ don’t worry I’m not telling lies

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man
To be the sad man, behind blue eyes

I think it’s about forgiveness

about forgiveness

Have you ever watched a glass fall down and shatter to pieces, closely?

Replay that instance in slow motion in the eye of your mind. Notice how the refractions in the glass encompasses the reflections of everything around it? Even after it hits the floor and disperses into pieces, those pieces reflect everything around it.

Partners of an ending relationship argue that they’ve done the same.

Often so we hear “I gave it everything I could”.

An unfettering relationship always has both parties reaching a breaking point; a point where they stretched it together until the last straw fell, shattering everything they’ve built into oblivion. Hence the simile of the falling glass.

As much as one would like to think “I gave it everything, until I didn’t have anything left to give anymore”, one must yearn to seek acceptance of the fact that the opposite person would have too.

It’s not about who put how much effort in – you really can never measure that to a tee.

Sometimes all it is, is a difference in perspective. And you only realise that over time.

Everyone did as much as they could to make it survive.

You can spend the rest of your life trying to argue who had an upper hand at how much effort they put in. Or you can choose to affirm to yourself, “We both did the best we could, just in different planes. I forgive myself, forgive you and choose to let go”

Don’t scorn, don’t resent, don’t disrespect – everyone does that – it most naturally seems the easy way out.

Instead improvise – Accept, respect and choose to pardon – your future self will thank you for it.

Here’s a song that’s been playing on my iPhone a lot lately:

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i got the call today, i didn’t wanna hear
but i knew that it would come
an old true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
she said you found someone
and i thought of all the bad luck,
and the struggles we went through
and how i lost me and you lost you
what are these voices outside love’s open door
make us throw off our contentment
and beg for something more?

i’m learning to live without you now
but i miss you sometimes
the more i know, the less i understand
all the things i thought i knew, i’m learning again
i’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
but i think it’s about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

these times are so uncertain
there’s a yearning undefined
…people filled with rage
we all need a little tenderness
how can love survive in such a graceless age
the trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
they’re the very things we kill, i guess
pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
and the work i put between us,
doesn’t keep me warm

i’m learning to live without you now
but i miss you, baby
the more i know, the less i understand
all the things i thought i figured out, i have to learn again
i’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter
but everything changes
and my friends seem to scatter
but i think it’s about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

there are people in your life who’ve come and gone
they let you down and hurt your pride
better put it all behind you; life goes on
you keep carrin’ that anger, it’ll eat you inside

i’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
but i think it’s about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

i’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter
because the flesh will get weak
and the ashes will scatter
so i’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

Turn back time!

The brightness of the flame enveloped her gaze.

She watched closely as the flame grew, encompassing every inch of the paper. She watched the fresh remains of the ashes in creation, as it lurched to wrap the unburned yet, with an insatiable quench.

As the flame made it’s transition to fire, she felt the ground slipping beneath her feet.  

She had changed her mind. She wanted to look at it once again, one last time, savour it. But the fire didn’t comply with her desires anymore – it had crossed the line of no return.

The tears kept flowing, in vain.

She felt helpless as she watched the last photograph she had of him, burn down and proselytise to frail ashes.

She didn’t have a choice but to bid goodbye.

—-

So I picked up the guitar after 13 years to play a complete song. It most naturally doesn’t sound even half as good as it used to then though.

So as rusty as it sounds – here it is: cover of “So Beautiful” by Pete Murray.

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Found myself just the other day
In the backyard of a friends place,
Thinkin’ about you,
Thinkin’ of the crowd you’re in,
What you up too where you been?
(Just thinkin’)

And all the clothes that you wear,
And the colors in your hair
Shouldn’t change you
Now you tell me why it’s so
You bigger than mighty Joe,
(At lest you think so)

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down,
Plant your feet back on the ground

Throw my smoke down on the ground,
Turn my head and I heard the sound,
(That reminded me)
Of the days so young and sweet
Always so much fun to meet
(At lest I thought so)

Now you think your so damn fine

You can rule the world no not mine,
I don’t think so

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care

Now the scene that you’re in,
And the people that you been with
Just get to me,
But you think I’m not as cool,
As you are so beautiful
Well who you fooling?

Well I’m here to tell you babe
The game your in is just a game
So damn pretentious

God my fingers burn,
Now when I think of touching your hair
You have changed so much that I don’t know,
If I can call you and tell you I care
And I would love to bring you down,
Plant your feet back on the ground

You think you’re so beautiful
(So beautiful)