Subtle Aspirations

Just minutes ago… it all made sense! It was just fine! Everything fell in pristine order, just as she’d known all her life to be… just as everything “worked” out for her!

A plan it was! A plan that always made sense! All predetermined, like everything else that drew up a perfectly functional blueprint in her life. Oh yes there were always the unexpected mishaps. The ones that in the heat of moment tripped her off completely and swayed her from reality. But it never took her long to get back to “the plan”!

If there wasn’t one at that stage, it always came up. Her subconscious was her greatest ally! Eventually, it always came to her rescue, before she could even acknowledge it!

But such was a day – a day which was nothing different than any other day she would’ve been able to have picked up on. A routine. An expectant. Nothing unusual. Nothing unnerving so as to have shaken her whole existence.

But tip-toed, it walked in. The feeling. The assured incense of comfort.

Walking hand in hand with the fear of unknown, it subtly slipped through the unnoticed crack of her doorstep.

And when it arrived, it surged her through a glimpse of insanity of utmost joy. The perennial joy of nirvana.

Within moments the fears that had walked with it, sunk in. The million questions she never even knew existed occurred in a flash of an instant.

She found herself battling, dealing with the surprise of the joy and the uncertainty of the fears at that same very moment.

Something changed that night. Something very unnoticeable in that continuum.

Something completely oblivious of the fragment of the definition of time as an instant.

She complied with natural, conditioned behaviour, and caved in to deal with it “naturally” as a human would.

But what was to come by, would be far greater than an average human was to be able to fathom.

She couldn’t see it just yet.

A miracle, was in the making!

The sun shone on his teary eyes, glistening beads of exasperation, evaporating, drying up quicker than it took to be formed.

He stubs his stale cigarette by his foot with all the might an empty heart can provide, as if he realised that he had no choice but to fight!

Such situations were never easy to deal with. However a behaviourial pattern that was formed since his childhood years, he inactively always chose flight. This time there was no flight! There were no hidden doors to escape. The enemy wouldn’t listen to any of his prolific meanderings. Trapped in an emotional catch 22 Alcatraz, the only thing he was blatently aware of was how quickly he was running out of time.

That’s when it hit him. Running out of time? Now isn’t that another elusive escape? A deceptive smile beckoned and encompassed his decree!

In an instant he felt relieved. There, right there, in the turbulent spasm of those handcuffs, dormantly layed his answer.

Basking in his triumph, he let go of everything. Isn’t that what he craved after all under the million different disguises?

There are so many books, citations, mere mentions on how a thought is all what it takes to change your life.

Having read so many of these books in recent past, I’ve always found myself stuck in the simplest question – believing in what you intend to have in your life.

To begin with, there’s are many reasons why you see this around – about thinking ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ thoughts. But how do you achieve that and remain in that frame I mind constantly?

Life will always push and nudge to bring in realities that don’t match up to your intention of success, your sanity.

I’ll share with you a very simple experience.

My current state of life, as I’ve known it, has been quite amazing over the last couple of months. I’ve been quite content ‘overall’.

Now the one thing that I’ve known to flip out and stress massively on is anything got to do with finances.

Having had made some pretty serious financial mistakes a few, infant years ago, I’m still in the middle of correcting my mistakes. 2 days ago I realised of some major payments that were to be made, ones which I had conveniently forgotten recently. In a bit of a crunch recently with the interstate move and the decision to ’start from scratch’, I woke up this morning with only the thought of ‘how the hell am I gonna pull this off?’

I could not quiet my mind no matter what I tried. I worried endlessly and was constantly pensive in thought.

I consciously tried to remove myself and to visualise better things, to meditate… Everything just felt ‘lame’ at that moment.

Now yesterday, I had messaged a friend of mine, Carolyn , just generally expressing my state of mind. This morning she had replied to the message saying ‘Dev, I want you to actively try to guide your thoughts away from what you don’t have in your life right now, to what you DO have currently on your life.’

I was standing in the balcony, stressing unconsciously when her message arrived.

At first, I scoffed at it. My thoughts – ‘what does she know?’ and ‘how the hell is that going to make any difference to my worry right now?’

But then I noticed another thought. A little voice speaking within saying to me, “Dev, it all begins in the mind. Granted you don’t have a solution right now. But how will stressing on the situation help? Let’s try and make a mental list of all that you DO have in your life right now.”

With that thought I made an attempt to make a mental list of everything I am thankful for. Honestly speaking I could not think of anything at all. I could not break away from the worry I had at hand. Then I heard my own voice trying I command my thoughts… ‘Dev! Think! What are you thankful for in your life right now!’

With that, I felt like I had to just pretend to convince that voice, and maybe make something up so I could shut it up. So I thought, real hard… and as silly as it sounded, I came up with the first thing that I felt I was thankful for in my life right now. It was a stupid reason, and I laughed at myself when I thought of it, but I was thrilled that I did it. So I tried to come up with another one. Every single moment I kept questioning how the hell is this gonna help, but I kept going.

The worry didn’t fade away. But it definitely felt ‘tamed’ after a while.

I started feeling comforted within, an unrealistic comforting surge of faith that I can pull this off. I don’t know how, yet… But just the trust in that faith helped me feel way better than I was feeling!

What happened here?

Let me be very clear. By no means this ’solved’ the problem at hand.

What this did, is that it put my mind at ease. Filled it with hope… And eventually gave me a perception of strength to be able to perceive solutions which otherwise I would’ve spent in nothing but fruitless worry and pile ups eventually.

Simply put, here are the INSTANT steps you can take to put a stop to gnawing worry and just feel centered:

1. Shut your eyes real tight. Tell yourself, ‘I am only gonna take 2 minutes from this worry to think of something else’
2. Now tell yourself ‘I’m going to count the number I times I breathe out 10 times’ – with that, do that!
3. Now think of the one thing you’d like to do if everything in your life was perfect. It may take a while, but that’s all you have to do, just pick any 1 thing that you would love doing, knowing when everything is perfect as you’d like to have it in your life.
4. Finally, blank out everything in your head and say thanks for that 2 minute experience to your mind. Be grateful to your mind that it listened to you and gave you those 2 mins you asked for peaceful day dreaming :)

That’s it! There’s nothing more to it.

Yes I know you’ll be like, ‘How the hell is this gonna solve my issue?’ or maybe you read this and scoff at it, saying under your breath, ‘Dev, my problems are far greater than this insignificant thing!’

I urge you to try this for just 3 days. Can you do that? As I said before, you only have to do it for 2 mins. You can do it as many times you can remember to do it in a day if you want.

I’d like to know if you did try it, what were your experiences?

As a closing line, I’d like to dedicate this post to someone I recently “met” in the online world – Carla White, the creator of The Gratitude Journal iPhone App which you can check out at http://www.happytapper.com. Thank you Carla for such a simple, yet an effective application for the world.

Oh boy!

This is what happens when you get a sudden, unquenchable urge to play something and record it after years!

I love this song. It’s one of the most honest expression in lyrics that I’ve heard. Recently I heard an acoustic version of it by Pearl Jam. Which is what inspired me to learn to play it on the gad.

Here’s my rusted, rendition. Yes I know this doesn’t even sound close to half of what it would’ve sounded if I would’ve recorded it about a decade ago, but hey… I still tried ;-)

No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man
To be the sad man, behind blue eyes
No one knows what it’s like to be hated
To be fated, to telling only lies

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like to feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you
No one bites back as hard on their anger
None of my pain and woe, can show through

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like, To be mistreated,
To be defeated Behind blue eyes
And no one knows how to say, That they’re sorry
An’ don’t worry I’m not telling lies

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man
To be the sad man, behind blue eyes

Five past six in the morning. The piercing siren of the alarm jolts him into wakefulness. He debates in that split open second whether he had heard that alarm before. Sleep beckoning, he abandons the question and involuntarily reaches out to put it off. He opens his eyes and makes do with the darkness. He never was a strong believer in surprises. He treated his eyes the same way – let the light come in slowly, not just yet. Let’s not incinerate pain, he profusely believed.

The blissful waking moment begins to fade as the oversights start gushing in. Last night, last evening, last afternoon and then very gently, like a blood stain making its way on a clean sheet, the pinhole innocuously expands, bringing in realities of his existence from his waking life.

“That moment, the moment just when you wake up, when you’re amidst seeping out of your subconscious… that moment… why can’t it last longer? Where, nothing matters. Where it’s bliss in its truest, naked form. When it’s…”, he arduously wonders to himself for a while before succumbing to reality.

Another moment of time, torn and tethered between an unconscious hiatus.

He breathes, alertly, begging himself to master the art of focus. The one where you can gently pull your thoughts together. The more he tries, the harder it gets to achieve a moment of serenity. Like every other day, he dismisses the effort and decides to get on with the day.

In every moment of his morning chores, hoard of his aberrations pile up, astonishingly in a chronological order of occurrences.

Imagine a mind numbing, unquenchable, throbbing headache?

His head felt fraught, laden with the unwitting accumulation of presumably every single wrong that had ever occurred, sometimes leading him to spend hours in his very early, delusionary past.

“Breathe”. He reminded himself.

He looks at his wrist watch, 7.47am. Better not miss the bus today. Which leads him to recollect how he almost missed an important acquisition meeting 2 weeks ago. They missed the deal and he couldn’t stop erratically grazing between standing up for himself and blaming himself. And of course, that leads him to relive the snarks, the comments and the pressure of relentless persecution at work. Like a wound that keeps on bleeding, reminding him not to think!

Smack right in the middle of his mind, very graciously reiterating the vexed experience that occurred a few weeks ago, he reluctantly lets out a scream!

“Please!”
“Please stop!”
“I beg of you, stop!”
“I cannot take this anymore!”
“I cannot bear this pain anymore!”
“I cannot fight this endless fight!”
“I cannot live like this!”
“I cannot live”
“I cannot…”
…
And the alarm shrieks out, jolting him into wakefulness!
He looks at the clock. ‘Five past six’. Within seconds the stark reality hits him. He realises, this morning, there isn’t going to be any blissful waking moment to ease him out of his serene subconsciousness!

Been here before
Been here before
Been here before
Been here before

Been here before
Been here before

Been here before couldn’t say I liked it
Do I start writing all this down?
Just let me plug you into my world
Can’t you help me be uncrazy?

Name this for me, heat the cold air
Take the chill off of my life
And if I could I’d turn my eyes
To look inside to see what’s comin’

It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

I’m frantic in your soothing arms
I can not sleep in this down filled world
I’ve found safety in this loneliness
But I cannot stand it anymore

Cross my heart and hope not to die
Swallow evil, ride the sky
Lose myself in a crowded room
You fool, you fool, it will be here soon

It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And I wait for this train
Toes over the line
And then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

Get the fuck out of here
I just wanna get the fuck away from me
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
It hate it all, why? Why? Why me?

I cannot sleep with a head like this
I wanna cry, I wanna scream
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I wanna hate it all away

For a few years now I’ve subscribed to “Inspiration Peak” messages.

It’s great to receive them smack right in the middle of your day. Makes you stop for a few minutes and simply reflect on a few things.

We all get tied up time and again in our daily rut of life as we call it. It is important, no doubt, to follow our passion and/or struggle to achieve and survive. Yet, every now and then we need to simply take at least 5 minutes off at any given time and focus on the existence that is you!

For me, I’ve made a habit of doing that everytime I read one of these messages that pop up in my inbox.

I urge you to create a trigger and follow a pattern in simply trying to achieve those silent, inwardly focussed 5 minutes each day of your life.

If you do end up doing so, do write back and let me know what’s your trigger and how do you find it :)

Here’s today’s message:

My heart is so small
it’s almost invisible.
How can You place such big sorrows in it?

“Look,” He answered,
“your eyes are even smaller,
yet they behold the world.”

http://www.inspirationpeak.com